Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
