I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
