I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
