I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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