just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
