Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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