Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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