Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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