so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
When are your genitals available?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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