Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
