How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
