Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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