How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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