I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
