New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You pole danced in your parka.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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