I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
