one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
