im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
