i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
where are you?
Hypothermia
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
