dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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