Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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