the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
