I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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