chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
ugly people sure do ruin things
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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