If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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