The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
