mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Randomize
