I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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