I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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