My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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