Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
