Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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