yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
