I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
