I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
