I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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