his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
