I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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