Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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