Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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