Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
