we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
