i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
