I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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