Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
