Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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