I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
