based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
