Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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