And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
